Psychologists are water-logged

Who lives in a Pineapple under the sea? Persuasive and harmful and evil is he. If blabbering nonsense be something you wish. Then talk to Angeline Lillard and Jennifer Peterson of the University of Virginia.

Lillard and Peterson conducted an experiment studying television's effects on preschool-aged children.

They divided 60 4-year-olds into three groups. The first group watched nine minutes of "Spongebob Squarepants" while the second group viewed "Caillou," a cartoon on PBS. The third group drew and colored pictures.

After the children completed their tasks, all three sections took four tests which evaluated mental functioning.

The "Spongebob" group scored 12 points lower, on average, than the other two groups, who had nearly identical results.

Lillard and Peterson's findings were published in the journal "Pediatrics" along with an editorial from Dr. Dimitri A. Christakis, a child development specialist at Seattle Children's Hospital.

"Connecting fast-paced television viewing to deficits in executive function," Christakis said, "has profound impacts for children's cognitive and social development."

However, David Bittler, a spokesman for Nickelodeon, retorted by stating that "Spongebob" is intended for 6-11-year-olds and that the study involved "questionable methodology."

So this is what the trusted professionals at U of V are spending thousands of grant dollars on, huh?

They've exhausted the argument against violent video games and raunchy music. I guess they have to move on to the next threat to young minds: an animated, square sponge with pants.

I hate to imagine a world under Spongebob's influence. Four-year-olds would wonder the waterways, chasing jellyfish and flipping Crabby Patties.

They might grow up to befriend Texan squirrels and shirtless starfish. Instead of learning to read and write they'll sing songs about fun and sweaters.

While it is unknown whether or not Lillard and Peterson have children, Christakis, a respected expert in his field, should know better.

They were dealing with four-year-olds. What, exactly, did they expect to happen?

If you place a child in front of a "slow-paced" cartoon or hand him some crayons, of course the kid's going to perform better on mental aptitude tests. He didn't have a flamboyant, porous fry cook dancing in his thoughts.

Do you know what I watched when I was four? A purple dinosaur, a cardigan-clad "neighbor" who spoke to shrew-faced, wall-dwelling puppets and George Carlin, who, at the time, played a train conductor on "Shining Time Station."

I think I've turned out alright.

Older adults, nowadays, have developed this unhealthy obsession with intelligence.

They throw standardized tests at the children, force feed them educational programming and pressure them to be number-crunching, novel-reading robots in grade school.

I agree that there's nothing wrong with a little early mental stimulation, but can't we let kids be kids sometimes?